5 Reasons to Release Bitterness and How…

Strong black coffee. Grapefruit. Cranberries. Radishes. Ginger. Dark chocolate.

What do these foods have in common? Bitterness. They all have a bit of a “bite.”

While I enjoy most bitter foods, I’ve come to realize the harmful effects of bitterness in my life. It may seem subtle – I mean, bitterness isn’t outright resentment or hatred – but it’s on the spectrum and the slope is downhill.  

Here are 5 reasons I’ve encountered to follow Elsa’s advice and “Let it go!”:

#1 It’s a waste of time.

Perhaps this is not the most obvious first bullet point, but for me it’s the most impactful. Any time I’ve found myself harboring bitterness – for a big wound or a small infraction – I catch myself replaying scenarios where the offender and I interact. These scenarios are never about resolving the conflict, always escalating it. And, although I’d rather not admit this, they often involve a self-satisfying response on my part. I get the last word.

Now, in my memory, these imaginary interactions have never actually taken place. But that’s the point – what a waste of time and mental energy going over them again and again! Rather than seeking restitution and peace, my mind is focused on all the ways the situation could get worse.

#2 Bitterness is like acid.

Many years ago, I was talking with a friend about a guy who had hurt me when we were kids. It was the early 2000s. The good ole days when boys and girls at ages far too young started dating and called it “going out.” (At least that’s what we called it in my small-town, New York). Anyway, this boy was perfectly happy “going out” with me but only if no one knew. We were constantly “breaking up.” I didn’t realize until later how much this so-called relationship messed with my head and my sense of worth. Later, as a teenager, I was recounting the circumstance with my friend and growing more and more bitter at how I was treated. My friend listened well and let me process. Then she said a few words that have stuck with me: “Bitterness is like acid.”

Perhaps you’ve heard the quote: Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Same idea. Harboring bitterness hurts you.

#3 It trickles into other relationships

Continuing the metaphor that bitterness is like acid – once it burns through the container holding it (namely, you) it starts to trickle into other areas of life, including relationships. Surely, you’ve met a bitter person. Moody. Sharp with their words. Constantly negative. And even if you recognize they too have a story – a reason for their hurt and need for healing – bitter people aren’t much fun to be around. Bitterness is toxic.

#4 Bitterness is a joy robber.

In some ways this is the culmination of the first three reasons to let go. Living, even if only mentally, in a state of conflict saps our energy and corrodes our peace. Over time our minds numb to the feelings of bitterness which, in theory, sounds great. Unfortunately, numbing negative emotions inadvertently numbs positive emotions – like joy. We are left in a sort of dark fog unable to find the light switch.

#5 Bitterness isn’t the solution.

After all that, harboring bitterness doesn’t actually help. Unlike grief – with its recognizable stages and path to healing – there’s no resolution waiting on the other side of bitterness. It’s not a journey to walk through, it’s a brick wall.

To be clear, letting go of bitterness is only the first step. Once we let go, the barrier is removed, and we are free to decide what’s next. This part takes some discernment.  Letting go of bitterness isn’t the same as confronting the problem. But it does give us the mental space to determine if the wound inflicted needs attention or needs ignored. It also gives us the clarity needed to determine how to approach the relationship where the bitterness took root. In the case of the boy from my childhood, this meant simply moving on. We hadn’t talked in years and there wasn’t really a point to start again. In other instances, this might mean having a hard conversation with the individual about how they hurt you.  

If all this is true, how do we let it go?

For the smaller infractions we all encounter in our daily lives…

the boss’s frustrating habit of sending 100 emails right at the end of the day…

our partner’s inability to fill the dishwasher correctly…

the in-law’s tendency to push just the right buttons…

the coworkers’ loud routine in the breakroom or ineptitude at reading the room…

the friend who keeps bringing up that one thing from that one time...

the family members’ obnoxious chewing habits…

becoming aware of the effects of bitterness might just be enough to push us to the “let it go” moment. But for the repetitive offenses and deeper hurts here are a few practices that can help:

1.        Write down what’s inciting the bitterness. Be as specific as you can. Putting the offense in words gives clarity to the s

cope of the issue and either helps us realize it’s not that big of a deal or shows us it’s time to do something about it. If you’re a praying person, take that paper to God and ask for wisdom.

2.        Overpower bitterness with thankfulness. This might sound trite, but the power of gratitude really can’t be overstated. It’s hard to hold bitterness when you’re full of thankfulness! Practice appreciating all the good things in your life – big and small. Keep a journal or just spend the first 3 minutes of your day picturing all the things that brought you joy the day before.