Insights about Raising Children from Mom's Group

In February of this year, I began meeting with a group of young moms. I was pleasantly surprised that all but one of the moms I asked to join the group enthusiastically said “yes!” (It just wasn’t the right timing for the mom who couldn’t join us). I was looking for community, friendship and support in this journey we call motherhood, and it turns out I wasn’t alone.

Initially the group was formed as an 8-week book study.  Together we read through and reflected on Risen Motherhood (a book by Emily Jensen and Laura Wifler, https://www.risenmotherhood.com/risen-motherhood-book).

But at the end of the 8 weeks, we weren’t ready to stop meeting. Shout out to our husbands and partners who continued to watch the kiddos on Wednesday evenings so we could get together!

It’s been ten months now. We’ve laughed. We’ve cried. We’ve prayed. At times we’ve even disagreed or unintentionally offended one another. But mostly we’ve shared stories and encouraged one another that “you are not the only one.”

Several months ago, we set out to share our personal stories with each other. Since we are all in our thirties, we broke our stories into three decades and shared highlights from our childhood, adolescence and early adulthood over a three-week span. Not only was this a fun exercise and one that deepened our connection with one another, it allowed us to see some patterns.

Here are 5 take-aways about raising children that stood out to us…

1.        Emphasize Identity Over Performance.

It’s easy to applaud our kids when they do a good job – and we should celebrate their achievements and the behavior we’d like to see more of (“thanks for offering to set the table!”). But it’s more important to celebrate our kiddos’ unchanging uniqueness. I’m all about drive and success, but as a recovering perfectionist I want my girls to know I love them whether they win or lose, make it or miss it, make good decisions or poor ones.

2.        Share Your Story.

“Hear no evil” is nonsense. If kids aren’t told about the world we live in by their parents they are bound to discover it from other sources. Of course, there are appropriate levels of sharing based on age and maturity, but acting like we never messed up doesn’t help us build trust with our children. If we really want our kids to come to us about anything, we have to lead the way in vulnerability.

3.        Preparation Beats Protection.

As much as we’d like to, we cannot protect our kids from everything. Instead, our job as parents is to give our kids the tools they need to succeed as adults.  

4.        Fear-based Obedience Doesn’t Last.

Several of us grew up afraid of our parent’s (or God’s!) response to our behavior. (Not necessarily in an abusive way). This may have kept us in line when we were young, but fear really isn’t a lasting motivator. 

5.        Always Remember They Are in the Room.

This is as much a warning as an opportunity. Good parents are careful what they say and how they act when their kids are in the room. Great parents use everyday moments as teaching opportunities.